I’ve resisted writing this blog￼ for far too long. Not because I didn’t complete the Artist's Way Program by Julia Cameron, or the 12 weeks creativity experiment I came up with, but because I haven’t felt like the same person that started this experiment. In a way, that is very true. I structured this challenge hoping that it would help me change and grow. I asked for a transformation, and I received it.
It has been 18 weeks since I completed the 12 weeks experiment. I started in February, and finished in May. The person that started this experiment, was struggling to complete and finish creative projects, felt scattered and fell into the procrastination traps very easily. The person that started this experiment felt weighed down by her ambitions, hopes and dreams. In life, there's creation and completion. You need the balance of both in order to bring things into existence. I was discovering that I had an imbalance in this area. I had no trouble creating or conceptualizing ideas, and I felt very comfortable and excited to come up with concepts, however, I struggled to bring those ideas into existence. This is where I was when I started this experiment.
In a way, I’m still that ambitious creature. Head in the clouds and a million things to explore and experience. I am still a creative. A writer. An artist. I still want to birth ideas, build them, and give them to the world. I still want to be here, to do this. But in those 12 weeks, and in the 18 that have passed so far, I've had the opportunity to confront all that has held me back, and it has been interesting, to say the least. The spotlights turned on, and all the crevices of my subconscious were laid out to be seen and acknowledged. No more pretending, no more half truths and no more lies.
So, I'm not going to lie to you either. This was a difficult experiment. The 18 weeks since the experiment ended, were also difficult. And I wanted to go back to those blissful ignorant times where things were under the rug and hidden away and I could easily pretend that I was strong enough to be exactly who I wanted to be without having to do any real work or any healing or learning. In the last couple of months, I've felt paralyzed, angry, misunderstood, unworthy, useless. At the exact same time I was also feeling loved, seen, creative, talented, strong, valuable and peaceful. I was in an emotional storm.
I was receiving praise for my art, and I was seeing the algorithm take away my views. I was feeling confident about my art and I was feeling bad that I wasn't growing it, building it or sharing it. I was moving forward on setting up my business and I was having doors close in my face. I felt outraged by the contradictions of life. It was as if I was taking my internal emotional storm, and recreating it in my external and material world. It was exhausting, to say the least. And my physical body could no longer hold the weight of the world. It wasn’t strong enough. And I gave it more than it could handle. I was not gentle or loving or kind. I was hasty and needy and my mantra was, I’ll rest when I’m (rich, successful, etc).
There's some truth in the saying that goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I’m older, wiser, more creative than I’ve ever been. I'm present, aware and honest with myself. I show up. I’m here. I think that once I stepped into the light and asked for a revolution, a rebirth￼, I was given just that. I've become so sensitive to lower energy emotions and thoughts. Fear, shame, guilt, unworthiness, to name a few, were the main characters in this story. Seeing them, having conversations with them, addressing them, letting them go, has been a transformational experience.
Many lessons later, and I’m about ready to get back up. I just had a birthday. I read somewhere that birthdays are a great time to start a new cycle. I like to think of August as the big reset for me. And like everyone is starting school in September, I’ve decided that this September marks my entry into foundation. Foundation of rebuilding myself and realizing my needs and my purpose in this world. And how I can rest gently into who I am, flaws and strengths and potential. And how I can serve my community. I’m educating myself to gain inner and outer strength and decrease stress in my life.
I am beyond grateful for Block7. I hope to come here and share my thoughts now and again. However, this concludes this creative living series. My website launches very soon and I will be sharing more about my creative and healing journey on there. I hope you'll join me.
Thank you for reading. Always...